When To Say Yes, How to Say No
0310351804
Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Notes
Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t… Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.
Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility.
Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.
…if anyone will not work, don’t let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior.
To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless…taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences.
Types
- Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people.
- Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.
- Controllers can’t respect others’ limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.
Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else.
You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible.